


adira adrift

by trillnaturalist



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Kinda?, No Plot/Plotless, Other, Pre-Canon, author is trans i feel like thats important to say, i mean that was the goal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29766339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trillnaturalist/pseuds/trillnaturalist
Summary: Adira can't remember much of their past, but they know what's important to them.Set hours before the United Earth Forces board the Discovery in 3x3.
Relationships: Adira Tal/Gray Tal
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	adira adrift

Adira was certain of three things: they had an alien squid in their body, they didn’t belong here, and they were missing  _ someone  _ important _. _

When they tried to reach too far in their past, it all got foggy. They had been alone and shivering in a foreign shuttle pod only a few months ago. When they were picked up by the United Earth Forces, they were shaking and barely awake. It had all been a daze, being walked through medical scans and handed a uniform with tired eyes. They were asked their name the moment they were stabilized in medbay, and held on to it. It was one thing they  _ knew  _ about themselves, one thing they had chosen for themselves so long ago and  _ knew _ was theirs. 

They _hadn’t_ been asked much else about themselves, though. Which was good, at first. They weren’t drilled on who the hazy memory of someone with bright blue hair and a soft smile was (or why Adira _knew_ he was so important to them). They weren’t questioned about the past Tal hosts, or much about what happened to the ship they had been on before they were adrift in the escape pod. But now, a few months with the United Earth Forces, the environment around them was starting to wear Adira down. Adira had always thought of Romulans or Andorians as the militant species in the galaxy, but ever since they were brought into the Forces, Adira counted their own species among the list too. 

The stern-faced officers who first brought them aboard gave them a once-over and jerked their thumb at the med team, asking for them to “bring her to sickbay.” Adira didn’t know much about who they were, memories blurred at the edges and a deep sense of loss without a real origin. But they did know they weren’t a he or a she, but  _ Adira.  _

It felt like they were trying to swallow something deep within them, sinking into the metal-plated floor every time the crew around them, the crew that was meant to be their friends and colleagues, called them “the new girl,” or shouted for “her” to come over. And Adira, in the multiple months they had served at the low orbit station around Earth, didn’t correct anyone. They knew they didn’t belong with the United Earth Forces, that it was just a place that they existed in because of circumstance before they could move on, not somewhere full of people they could trust and call family, not even people they could trust with who they were. 

They had a nagging feeling in the back of their head that at one point, they could articulate who they were to someone they could rely on, someone who relied on them -- was it the cute boy with mesmerising spots on his face? They knew they used to have someone who could make them feel at home on a ship that, in their hazy memories, was bright and impersonal just like the United Earth station. 

But for now, they were truly alone. They had nobody to call home, nobody they could trust with their messy thoughts and worries about the future. For now, they were alone in their standard-issue cramped room, staring at the ceiling and holding onto the thin blanket around their shoulders with tight fists as if just another minute in bed might enlighten them to what exactly was going on. 

Adira blinked hard. It was 0700 hours and they were on duty in an hour. As much as they didn’t want to, they had to get up and at least perform their day for everyone. It felt like a play they had to put on: they filled the role of an inspector, learning the lines of some girl they weren’t with a backstory in the margins of the script. 

They pushed a thick blanket off their body in a single motion, swinging their legs to the floor with a soft thud. Rubbing their eyes, Adira stood. They shuffled their way to the small sink on the other side of the room and splashed cold water on their face. The room barely had enough room for a bed and basic bathroom facilities. Everything was in the same utilitarian shade of grey. 

Looking up from the sink, they checked the mirror. Staring at their reflection for a minute, Adira pushed aside their daily thoughts ( _ wow,  _ they had real bad bedhead for how short their hair was --  _ was that another pimple? _ ) and tried to focus. They searched their face for  _ something,  _ some clue of what was going on. It had become a sort of morning ritual: wake themselves up with the cold breeze coming below their door and a slosh of water on their face, then try to see if there was anything different, any scar or special Trill clue about who (and all the whos) they were. 

The doctor who examined Adira when they were first brought aboard the United Earth vessel had said that their disconnect with their past was rooted in some recent trauma. He said Adira’s memory was likely blocking it out so they didn’t have to process it but Adira  _ wanted  _ to process whatever this grief was, they  _ wanted  _ to know what was going on. 

They had a deep disconnection with themselves as a result of a loss of something or someone who was a part of themselves, but in a way, they felt like they had also  _ gained _ a new part of themselves. Their world wasn’t linear or coherent anymore, and Adira didn’t feel like they didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, like they were alone in space, still in that escape pod. 

The doctor had also given Adira some information on a padd about trills -- nobody on the station had the time to really sit down with them and explain much, always rushing around or not thinking Adira, on the bottom of the social ladder, was worth their time. Apparently the squid -- the doctor had called it a symbiote, but the moment he started talking about the worm in their belly, a memory of Adira and the blue-haired boy surfaced, and the nickname “squid” felt… important -- was wrapped around their heart. The doctor had said it insulated their heart, lowering their stress reaction when they had first arrived. It was protecting them. The sources they downloaded on their padd explained that a trill squid needed to accept the host as much as the other way around. Adira didn’t remember accepting the squid, but they know they did. They knew the squid accepted them in return, too. It had protected them. Why? What had they done to deserve that? 

It was like pulling apart a malfunctioning water filter to figure out what was wrong: you had to take every piece apart before beginning to understand what was underneath, and sometimes you still weren’t sure. Adira had spent most of their time with the United Earth Forces working with their hands in engineering -- trying to distract themselves from whatever was going on inside -- but they sometimes still had to bring odd bits and ends to their supervisor with a confused expression. Your hands got dirty, the floor was a mess, and sometimes you weren’t sure where everything went back. Adira was afraid that when they unscrewed the last bolt, when they surfaced a full memory of their old life, they still wouldn’t know what was wrong, still wouldn’t know who they were. 

Adira sighed. A bright blue screen popped up in an overlay on their mirror, beeping with a notification. They were called to duty early today. Great. 

They gave the banner of text a second glance, brushing through their hair with their fingers.  _ There, presentable. _ Apparently there was a ship requesting access to Earth, and  _ of course  _ they needed Adira to be on the security team. The United Earth Forces were stretched a little thin, and the lower ranking officers were the ones feeling the burden. The ship -- wait: the ship requesting to dock was Federation. 

Adira didn’t know much about the generation ship they had been on before, but they did know that it was heading toward federation headquarters, knew they were part of the last few holding onto a unified vision of the galaxy as home. Maybe this ship could help them discover their past, if the federation was so tied to their old home. 

They couldn’t access the memories of the past Tal hosts. It was like an itch on their back they couldn’t quite reach, something they  _ knew _ was there, knew was part of them, but couldn’t really satisfy. Their memories of the past hosts and their life before the United Earth Forces came in hazy patches of a quilt Adira wasn’t sure they would ever see finished. The flashing warning to report for duty in a few minutes seemed to tie off a stitch in the quilt, and Senna Tal formed in Adira’s mind. They --  _ Senna --  _ had once found hope and home in the federation. Adira had always thought this “federation” was a world away from them, but now there was a hint of hope flickering on the overlaid blue lettering. Not just for their career, but for understanding themselves, understanding their past, and finding a home again, someone to confide in again. 

Adira pulled on their jumpsuit hurriedly, zipping up the back of their uniform in one motion and clicking together the strap of their black breastplate. Before leaving their solitary quarters, they squeezed their eyes closed for a moment. In the black void of visionless sight, the blue-haired boy with star-like markings on his face appeared again, still fuzzy in Adira’s mind. They tried to focus, and the fog almost cleared -- a smile appeared on his face, he felt like a warm cup of coffee, the smell of cinnamon, and Adira could make out some of the deals on his jacket -- and then… it was gone. The figure blurred in their vision again. 

Adira’s eyelashes fluttered open. Not yet. But soon. Soon they’d find home again. They’d find him again. 

But first: work. The federation ship. A hope. It was time for them to put on an act for the people around them one last time. 

**Author's Note:**

> s/o to taro again for uh yelling with me about these nerds. love u, idiot.


End file.
